Trial of a Space Bum
by garfieldodie
Summary: Spoilers for Series X. A stopover at a GELF trading post results in Lister being arrested for murder. But who could ever believe Lister to be guilty of murder? You'd have to be insane! Oh, wait. They are? Well then, that makes sense...


**_Author's Note: _**_I'm not sure where this story came from. It's just one of those plot-bunny thingies I keep hearing about. And I figured, I haven't posted anything in a while, so maybe I should go for it._

_This takes place some time after Series X, so spoilers for that, especially the last episode. If you haven't the last episode of Series X yet, I'd recommend you first crawl out from under that rock you've been living under and go watch it before you read this, because this WILL SPOIL IT FOR YOU.  
_

_Okay, you done? Good. Read on._

* * *

The search for Kochanski had taken the boyz to some strange places. They'd searched any derelict ship that had an active stasis pod, and they'd swung down in _Starbug_ or _Blue Midget_ to investigate any GELF tribe that might have seen her. For the first few months, they'd heard next to nothing, but lately they'd been hearing more and more snatches of information that was hopefully guiding them in the right direction.

On one particular day, they'd found themselves at a GELF trading post that seemed to be neutral ground for all life forms in the universe, meaning that Lister and the Cat could move about freely without fear of being carted off into slavery. They, along with Rimmer and Kryten, were scoping out the local color in hopes of getting some extra supplies along with some information. Every time they stopped at a stall that was carrying something they needed, they would be sure to ask about Kochanski.

"She's about five-foot-five, brunette – Lister _says_ she's thirty-one, but she would probably be pushing forty by now, actually," Rimmer was saying to a stallholder. The hologram was in the middle of procuring some new navigation software that was compatible with _Blue Midget_'s NaviComp. "She typically wears red, she's a bit of an ice queen, and she has a teddy bear called 'Boo-Boo'."

The stallholder merely shrugged in response.

Rimmer sighed. "Alright, thanks anyway," he replied, handing over the necessary payment Kryten had supplied him with before picking up the small box and carrying it away. He looked amongst the crowds and picked out a familiar sparkly-pink jumpsuit with cheetah-print jacket with a lump of perfectly-styled hair and headed in that direction.

The Cat was carrying a bag full of ingredients that he could use to replicate his beauty aids. After so many years, his never-ending supply was beginning to…well, end. He needed backup supplies, and he'd been able to sniff out which ones were of quality and which ones were not. He had non-toxic paint, various fruits and herbs, and even several catsup packets.

He detected a familiar scent and turned forty degrees to see Rimmer approaching. "Hey, goalpost head," he said. "You got the program?"

"Got it," Rimmer replied. "Still no word on Kochanski."

"Ditto. You know what this means."

"Lister's going to be writing another depressing song all week."

Cat shuddered with dread.

The pair weaved their way through the throngs of GELFs and various other creatures until they spotted a familiar angular pale head bobbing back and forth as it spoke animatedly in GELF-speak to another stallholder. They were just in time to see said stallholder shake his head before handing over a package. Kryten's shoulders slumped as he took it, uttered one last GELF pleasantry and headed in their direction.

"Let me guess," Rimmer sighed. "No word on Kochanski?"

"I'm afraid not, sir," Kryten replied, "although I did purchase the necessary components for _Starbug_'s scouter. It should be repaired within a day or two."

"Well, that's something to be content with. Speak of the gerbil, where _is _Listy?"

"I'm not sure, sir. Ohh, I hope he's not gambling again."

"We'd better start scoping out the local pubs and casinos," Cat suggested. "Otherwise, the three of us might find ourselves chained together next to a big GELF named Bubba."

"Sound suggestion, sir. Let's look in this direction," Kryten suggested, turning in the direction of a local tavern.

"We really need to get to work on giving him a tracking device," Rimmer said, falling step behind them. "One little cranial chip in his skull could solve all our problems."

They continued in silence to the tavern.

When they got there, Kryten stopped at the entrance. "One of you will have to go in, sirs," he said. "There's a gambling den in the back, and mechanoids aren't allowed within ten yards of a gaming table."

"Maybe you should go," Rimmer suggested, looking at the Cat. "You could sniff him out easily."

"Alright," Cat sighed. "But if I come back with my nose punched in, you're getting my medical bill, buddy."

The feline left his purchases with Kryten before pushing open the wooden swinging doors. His eyes flitted across the room quickly. From what he could see, the place was clearly rather low on the GELF social ladder. At least three hairy beasts were asleep on the floor. Some others were sitting around tables, swilling down some sort of hooch that was making Cat's nostril hairs do the Fandango.

His eyes bolted to the gambling table. He sniffed carefully in that direction and he could just make out the scent of curry and lager through the rest of the even worse B.O.

Straightening his jacket in order to secure his bravery, Cat walked boldly in that direction. His eyes scoped out the familiar short curly dark hair with dreadlocks, and soon Lister's form was taking shape amongst the grouping of hairy beasts.

Lister was laughing it up, smoking a cigar and holding five cards. He didn't seem all that down. Maybe he was doing well.

Cat gingerly came up closer to him. "Hey, bud!" he called out. "What're you doing?"

Lister, still laughing at something another GELF had said – which was strange, because he didn't speak the language – turned around to see his feline friend approaching. "Hey, Cat! There you are! I'm just playing one last round, and then we can go."

"How long you been playing?" Cat asked, not all that impressed by the scene.

"Not long," Lister assured him. "I'm doing really well. I'm on a hot streak."

"Let's hope you do good here, or else you're gonna have different _kinds_ of streaks pretty soon," Cat said, eyeing another GELF that looked a bit irritated at how well Lister was doing.

"Relax, we're all mates here," Lister assured him, elbowing the GELF next to him and winking. "Ain't we, big fella?"

The GELF just looked at him as if he'd sprouted a second head.

Lister shrugged it off and continued playing. "Alright, I'm in," he said, taking some random knickknacks and throwing them in the pile.

Cat eyed the pile of random objects – a guitar pick, three bottle caps, a tube of Chap Stick and a clothes peg. "What the hell are you playing for, bud?" he whispered.

"That power adapter we need for Holly's CPU," Lister whispered back. "If I can play, it's one step closer to getting him online."

Cat whistled appreciatively at the sudden weight this game seemed to be taking. Ever since Lister's mega-bath a few years ago had flooded the ship and caused Holly's CPU to short out, they'd been forced to rely on the rather irritating Space Corps backup computer, and now all those useless Space Corps directives were starting to matter again. A few weeks ago, it had insisted that the foursome were supposed to hold a banquet for all the officers or else it was going shut down all the oxygen. It wouldn't have been so bad except they had to prove that all the officers were attending, and there were four hundred and twenty-eight of them. The solution had come in the form of Rimmer, whose hard-light fingers were able to have the fingerprints reformed to match each officer. Poor Rimmer had been forced to go through every single one until the computer was satisfied.

Needless to say, everyone was rather eager to have the more easygoing Holly back online again.

"Okay, boys," Lister announced, angling his cigar in his mouth so he could speak. "Let's go to town."

A few more random items were tossed into the pile.

Cat watched worriedly as Lister tossed a few more items into the pile as well.

Finally, it was time to show cards.

Everyone laid their cards down, and Lister laid down his as well. When he did, all the other GELFs groaned in frustration and pounded the table, whereas the last human alive went into the touch-up shuffle, punching the air triumphantly.

"Ha-ha!" he whooped. "Come to papa!"

Cat sighed with relief as Lister scooped up his winnings. "Finally," he said. "Now let's get out of here. Goalpost head and Crushed Soda Can Head are waiting outside."

"Coming," Lister replied, sticking his winnings into his jacket pocket, including the precious power adapter.

The two of them headed for the doors. They had just walked out into the sunlight when they found themselves coming face-to-face with a pair of large GELFs wearing uniforms that looked a bit on the official side.

"Oh, sorry, 'scuze us," Lister said apologetically, trying to get past, but the GELFs strongholded him and he couldn't get by. "Hey, hey!" he objected. "What's your game?"

"Dokka moh eff mah lah do koppa mo heff oh," one the GELFs replied.

"Sir?" a familiar voice said.

Lister threw a glance in the direction of its owner, and he saw a worried-looking Kryten and Rimmer standing to the side.

"He says his with the Universal Morality Council," the mechanoid supplied. "He's charging you with murder."

Lister's eyes widened in shock. Him? A murderer? When had he done that?

"Me? Who? Who've I murdered?" he asked fearfully.

"Moh so kell eff mah seppa," the GELF official said.

"He says he doesn't know. He's only the messenger."

"Do yallo moh herreefa moh unnah mok shollow."

"You are to stand trial at the Embassy Trial Room immediately."

"What, now?" Lister asked. "Now as in 'right now'? But I can't! It's court! I need to do myself up a bit! I need a shower!"

"And a suit," Cat added.

"And a suit!" Lister agreed.

"And a haircut."

"And a haircut!"

"And some mouthwash."

"And some…mouthwash?"

"And a facelift."

"Cat, shut up!"

"What? I'm only helping!"

"Do moh doh laffah moh hereeta moh comma borshka," the GELF Official said, turning to Kryten and Rimmer.

"What's he saying?" Rimmer asked quietly.

"He wants you, me and the Cat to come as well as character witnesses," Kryten replied.

Rimmer swallowed. This whole thing was getting a little bizarre for his liking. Lister was no murderer. The pudgy little goit was too feckless to outright kill someone. He was just some guy trying to survive long enough to find his ex-girlfriend, find his home planet and restart the human race before he died of curry-overload.

"Tell him we'll go," he said at last.

Kryten nodded and faced the GELF Official. "Mah hoo gah," he said simply.

The Officials both nodded and proceeded to loop something metallic around Lister's neck. "What's this?" Lister asked.

"It's a special Security Leash, sir. Standard procedure. Just try not to let the lead tighten too much or it'll send a very painful electric shock that could very well light up a small Middle Eastern Nation."

"Oh, good, so no pressure," Lister sighed.

The GELF Official faced Kryten again. "Moh koffa mah so laffa kah occah," he said.

"Hoggy gon geck," Kryten replied.

The GELF Official nodded, and then he gestured at Lister to follow.

Lister threw one last worried glance before quickly falling in step behind them.

"Not to worry, sir!" Kryten called after him. "You're going on ahead with them. We'll follow behind in _Blue Midget_!"

Lister managed a quick wave before scurrying to keep up. It was a very short lead.

The others watched him being led away, still very bewildered by what had just transpired.

"The monkey killed someone?" Cat asked. "Why didn't he tell us?"

"He didn't kill anyone, Cat," Rimmer sighed. "This is just some bogus charge someone's brought up."

"I wonder who, sir," Kryten murmured. "Who would want to frame poor Mr. Lister?"

They all thought about it for a moment. In the past two decades, they had managed to piss off several murderous life forms. There was every possibility that they'd accidentally pissed off a very hostile yet clever life form, but they couldn't think of anyone specific.

"Come on," Rimmer said at last. "Let's get back to _Blue Midget _and follow them. Can't wait to see where this trial room is."

The three crewmates turned and made tracks for the field where they'd landed the small blue shuttlecraft. This was going to prove to be an interesting day.

* * *

The trip ended up only being a few hours long. They'd followed the transport vessel to a distant space station. It was so large that they were surprised it hadn't come up on the radar scope when they first arrived in the area.

"Why didn't we notice that thing when we got here?" Cat asked from his pilot's seat.

"It seems to have some sort of special scrambler, sir," Kryten said, looking at his own screens. "Apparently, it needs to remain hidden in here so that the more unsavory elements of society don't launch an attack."

"You'd think a Universal Council thing would have some sort of defense system," Rimmer remarked, raising an eyebrow at the space station on the view screen.

"They prefer stealth and cunning over firepower, sir," Kryten explained. "They believe that to actually arm themselves would be some form of hypocrisy, as they are out to uphold the law of the galaxy. However, don't take that as a sign that they're a bunch of – as Mr. Lister would say – pansies. What they lack in military tactics, they make up for with technology. They are stored to the gills with the latest in justice tech."

"This isn't going to be like the Justice Zone, is it?" Rimmer asked through a dreading groan.

"I shouldn't think so, sir," Kryten replied. "The Penal Colony was two-dimensional and lacked any real human insight to the trials it handled. This facility is more broad minded than that. It is run with sentient life forms who hopefully will be able to show understanding to Mr. Lister's plight."

"Hopefully?"

"Well, there's every possibility that they are a group of hardened evil beings bent on wiping out the human race in one fell swoop. There's really no way of knowing until we're in there, sir."

They were almost within the space station's gravitational field when the comms unit clicked on, and the visage of an aging male hologram appeared before them. "State your business here," he said as his voice crackled over their speakers.

Rimmer swallowed as he realized he would have to answer. "We're here as character witnesses for a trial," he replied, still finding it rather bizarre that this was happening to them.

"Which trial?" the hologram demanded.

"David Lister. He's tried with murder. Apparently."

The hologram looked at something Rimmer couldn't see for a few seconds before looking at him again. "Very well. You may enter." And the link was cut off.

Cat activated the view screen's remote camera so he could get a better view of what lay before them. He managed to locate the local shuttle-landing area – otherwise known as a spaceship car park. He landed _Blue Midget_ in one of the empty space and looked around.

"Alright," he said. "Remember this space, guys – between the long thin green ship and the big silver ship with the 'Kiss me, I'm Kinitowowi' bumper sticker."

Rimmer and Kryten nodded faintly as they powered the ship down and got up from their seats, heading for the exit hatch and the lowering embarkation ramp.

* * *

The courtroom was surprisingly small. It seemed even smaller than a courtroom on Earth. It was a simple room with four walls, a floor and a ceiling – which may sound normal to you, but on a space station three million years into deep space, it was downright strange.

Rimmer, Cat and Kryten found themselves being led to some chairs against one of the walls. When the three sat down on them, they were levitated three feet off the floor to enable them to have a good view of the proceedings.

After a few moments, another door appeared in the opposite wall, and there, alive and well, was Lister, still on the lead, being led out by the GELF Officials. He waved halfheartedly at his crewmates before he was led to another chair behind a table.

Another two minutes passed before a small tube was lowered from the ceiling and over an empty chair in the back of the room, and the floor opened up to reveal a metallic desk rising up from it, loaded with various papers and – surprise, surprise – a gavel. The plastic tube rattled momentarily as something apparently fell down it, and they were surprised when a small object landed in the chair. It turned out to be a light bee, which floated uneasily off the chair and began to spew a cascade of pixels that whirled around and took the form of a man.

The man was older with graying hair, an official military uniform that was the color blue to connote hard-light, and he had a very official look on his face that said, 'Lock up your daughters, or I'll throw them in the brig for being female.'

Lister attempted a nervous gulp at the sight, but the metal leash was on too tight.

The hologram cleared his throat and picked up a document on his desk.

"Gentlemen – this court is here to determine the events that led to a murder, and whether or not David Lister is responsible for said murder," he read before looking up at Lister. "Is that clear, Mr. Lister?"

"Crystal, sir," Lister replied evenly, trying to appear braver than he actually was feeling at the moment.

The hologram nodded and set the document down. "As we would like to get the proceedings underway, we would like for the prosecutor take the stand. Fetch him, please."

One of the GELF Officials nodded and headed for the wall, where, once again, a door randomly appeared and opened.

"I can't wait to see this," Rimmer muttered. "Who in their right mind would accuse _Lister _of murder?"

"Yeah," Cat agreed. "The guy's gotta have a screw loose or something."

"Although mechanoids are programmed to never perform acts of violence," Kryten whispered, "I'd like to deck the son of a space whore."

The prosecutor emerged from the room from which the GELF had fetched him.

All four _Dwarfers_ mouths fell open in blatant shock when they saw who it was.

"Ah, yes," the hologram behind the desk said. "Mr. Hogey the…_Roguey_, is it?"

"Yes, Your Honor," the rogue droid replied through his ridiculously thick accent that none of them could identify.

Rimmer couldn't stop himself. "You _can't _be serious!" he blurted out.

"Hogey?!" Lister cried. "What the hell, man?!"

The hologram banged his gavel on the desk. "Order!" he called out. "Mr. Lister, you are the one under trial here."

"For what?!" Lister demanded. "What could _he _possibly bring me to trial for?"

"For whad else?" Hogey sneered mockingly. "You keeled my brudder!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Oh, yes, you deed."

"No. I smeggin'. _Didn't_!"

The hologram banged his gavel again. "Order! Mr. Lister, anymore outbursts like that, and the trial will be suspended for twenty-four hours, and you'll be put in a cell during that time with three other prisoners. Do I make myself clear?"

Lister threw up his hands in irritation. "Yeah. Fine. Whatever," he grumbled.

The hologram threw a warning glance in the direction of Rimmer, Cat and Kryten as well. "And I expect all of you to only speak when addressed."

The trio in the floating seats looked very distressed. They wanted to call out Hogey for being a conniving little smeghead. He was only doing this out of boredom. After exchanging irritated glances, they all sat down heavily, nodding as they did so.

"Very well then," the hologram judge said, setting his gavel down. "Mr. Roguey – have a seat."

Hogey sat down in a chair near his desk and raised his right hand.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you invisible yet all-powerful deity that may or may not exist?"

"I do," Hogey replied.

"Mr. Roguey," the hologram judge continued, ignoring the snickers of derision the _Dwarfers_ were getting out that name, "do you understand the full extent of these charges? There's a very real possibility that Mr. Lister will be executed if he is found guilty of murder."

"I understand completely, Your Honor," Hogey replied, smiling slimily. "Debt – or _worse_."

Lister rolled his eyes at the rogue droid's attempts at being dramatic.

"Great," Cat whispered. "He doesn't just want the monkey's life. He wants his virginity."

"Too late for that," Rimmer mumbled. "He lost that when he was twelve."

"Mr. Roguey," the hologram judge went on, "have you known the accused very long?"

"Many years, Your Honor," Hogey replied. "He is what you would call a born rabble-rouser. He is slobby, petty, single-minded, and he don't even have good table manners. He once spilled wine all over my best tablecloth."

Lister leaned his head back over his chair in frustration. "It had half a dozen other stains in it already," he moaned.

"Do you know how hard it is to get red wine out of an oily tablecloth?!"

The judge banged the gavel again, shooting Lister a warning look before looking at Hogey. "Is that all?"

"Eesn't that enough?"

"I mean, are you finished?"

Hogey stood up dramatically. "All I have left to say is that Daveed Leester and hees band of merry men are a menace to ee-no-cent droids like myself and my bruddah. He evil as a telemarketer in heat."

"Thank you, Mr. Roguey. You may sit down."

Hogey nodded and went to sit in another chair next to Lister. "Geet outta dat one," he whispered.

"You're fly's down," Lister replied.

Hogey looked down, only to remember he wasn't wearing anything with a zipper on it. Cursing under his breath at being tricked, he sat down at the opposite table.

The judge ignored this and focused on the trial. "Mr. Lister?"

Lister stood up and was led by the GELF Officials to the chair before the judge's desk. He raised his right hand.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you invisible yet all-powerful deity that may or may not exist?"

"I do," Lister replied.

"Mr. Lister, you seem to have a healthy lack of respect for Mr. Roguey."

Lister raised an eyebrow. "Would _you_ respect a guy named Mr. Roguey?"

The judge looked at him for a moment, threw a glance at Hogey – who smiled winningly – before dipping his head in consent. "Fair enough," he said at last. "What of his late brother? What are your thoughts on him?"

"My thoughts on his brother? I have none. I've never met him. Mainly because I strongly suspect his brother to be one hundred per cent fictitious."

"Mr. Lister, if his brother were fictitious, how could we be holding a trial for his murder?"

"That's up to you. This sure as hell wasn't _my_ idea."

"Objection!" Hogey suddenly shouted. "How _dare _you, Meester Leester! You already keel my brudder. Now you tell me my brudder is a lie! You evil man!"

"_You_ clueless droid," Lister replied evenly.

The judge banged his gavel again.

Hogey growled a high-pitched growl before thumping down in his chair, pouting.

The judge reaffirmed his attentions on Lister. "Mr. Lister, have you any proof that Mr. Roguey's brother does not exist?"

Lister stared at him. "Have _you_ any proof that he ever _did _exist?"

"Mr. Roguey has provided legal documents that prove he has a brother."

"Oh! Well then, maybe he _does_ have a brother. Again, I don't know. I've never met him. Never laid eyes on the smegger. Maybe Hogey only _thinks_ he's dead. Maybe his brother wanted to get away from him, so he reprogrammed his memory to believe I killed him."

"Mr. Lister, I'm beginning to believe you are not taking this matter seriously."

"What gave it away?"

The judge rubbed his temples. "You may stand down," he said.

The GELF Official led Lister back to his chair.

The judge looked through some more documents before finding the one he was looking for. "The court would now like to hear from what is possibly the most honest member of Dave Lister's crew – the service mechanoid, Kryten 2X4B-523P. Will you please take the stand?" he asked, looking at the three figures in the floating chairs.

Kryten looked startled at being picked as his chair gently floated back to the floor. He looked at the others with concern before he nervously stood up to take the stand.

"Objection!" Hogey suddenly yelled. "Your Honor, dees Mechanoid is _not_ of honest care-eek-der! He has brokeen hees programming! He able to lie and cheat and deceive!"

"Nevertheless," the judge replied, "he seems to be our best bet at shining some light on this matter. Mr. 523P – please take the stand."

"Yes, sir," Kryten said awkwardly, waddling his way to the chair. He raised his right hand.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you rot in Silicon Hell?"

"I do."

"Mr. 523P – can you give us a little history on the relationship between Mr. Lister and Mr. Roguey?"

Kryten smiled at the easy question. "Why, yes, sir, I believe I can," he said. "I was actually present during their first encounter. It was many years ago, you see. We've spent a couple hundred years in stasis in the time since then, and presumably Hogey's been active all that time, but for us, it was a mere twenty years ago…

* * *

"_Emergency," Holly's voice droned. "Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. And it's still an emergency."_

_Lister was munching on his latest chicken vindaloo as he wandered into the Science Room, as it was too far to walk to the Drive Room and he wasn't in the mood to run. He looked up at the large console that stretched down from the ceiling and at the various monitors that displayed the blonde-framed face of Holly._

"_What's up, Hol?" he asked between bites._

"_We've got a bit of a situation, Dave," she said. "There's a small pod attaching itself to _Red Dwarf_'s hull. There's some sort of life form making its way through the ship."_

_Deciding this was worth microwaving his vindaloo later he set it down on a table and focused on one of the computer terminals. "What kind of life form? Can you tell?"_

"_Seems mechanical. I'm not sure on specifics. It was made after my time. Kryten might now. He always does nowadays," she added with a hint of bitterness._

"_What's wrong with that?"_

"_I remember a time when you used to come to me for all the answers," she mumbled like a pouting child._

"_Oh, Hol, come on. It's not like Kryten's ever gonna replace ya. Relax. See if you can call him up here."_

"_Yeah, alright," she muttered, and she vanished from the screens._

_At that moment, Rimmer ran silently into the room. As a hologram with no mass, he rarely made footsteps – although Lister was certain he heard a few loud footsteps if the hologram was running fast enough._

"_What's going on? What's the emergency?" he asked, straightening his green uniform._

"_Holly's detected some sort of life form, and before you say it, it's not aliens – it's a robot of some kind."_

"_Maybe it's a robot _built_ by aliens. Don't be so quick to write it off, Listy," Rimmer sneered._

_Lister just rolled his eyes._

_A few moments later, Kryten waddled into the room, and Holly reappeared on the screens._

"_Holly's informed me of what's happening," the mechanoid announced. "If I may have look please, sirs."_

_Lister and Rimmer cleared the way for him to access the main computer terminal. He clicked away at the keys and watched as the data spewed across the screen as it gave him more information._

"_Fascinating," he said. "According to the readouts, sirs, it's a rogue droid of some sort."_

"_What's a rogue droid do?" Rimmer asked, edging towards the door in case he needed to run and hide somewhere._

"_Well, they can be dangerous, sir. In fact, they can be downright deadly. I'd suggest we approach it with extreme caution. We may be able to reason with it."_

"_I'd like to politely disagree on that front," a new voice said._

_All three turned around and were surprised to find the Cat was now in the hatchway, and the scruffiest-looking robot they had ever seen was holding him by the scruff of the neck with one hand and holding a ray gun in the other that was pointed at his head._

"_Oh, smeg," Lister groaned._

"_Excuse me," Kryten said calmly. "May we help you? There is no need to take hostages."_

"_Especially ones that are already dead, as that would defeat the purpose, don't you agree?" Rimmer stammered, backing away slowly._

"_Hold on, pal," Lister said, holding his hands up to the rogue droid. "Let's just call a black cab and head for Real Street here. There's no need for any of this. Why don't you just tell us what you want, and we'll try to help the best we can, 'kay? What's up?"_

_The droid just growled at him. "I want revenge," he hissed._

"_Revenge for what?" Kryten asked._

"_You keeled my brudder!"_

_Lister blinked. "No, we didn't."_

"_Oh, yes, you deed."_

"_No, we smeggin' didn't."_

"_You are human scum who keeled my brudder. I am here to challenge you. Either we duel across time and space, or your immaculate friend here dies horr-ee-bull debt. Choos wisely."_

"_Yeah!" Cat agreed. "Choose wisely, buds!"_

"_We're thinking about it," Rimmer said, putting a finger to his lips thoughtfully._

"_Okay, enough," Lister said. "There's no need for this. When you say 'duel across time and space,' what does that entail exactly?"_

"_Ah-ha! I have you now! We will duel across Watersnake Wormholes! I will chase all across time and space like jackrabbit. I wheel not rest until you are chokin' on your own leaver."_

"'_Leaver'?" Rimmer repeated._

"_I think he means 'liver', sir," Kryten replied._

"_Well, I'm sorry. His accent's all over the place."_

_The rogue droid continued. "I wheel give you five of your Earth meenutes. And then, we will duel across time and space!"_

_Lister glanced at Rimmer and Kryten before shrugging. "Okay, we'll give it a shot. Hol – get _Starbug_ prepped up. We'll be down there. Come on, guys. Let's duel!"_

_Lister scooted past the rogue droid into the corridor, followed by Rimmer and Kryten, and then the Cat, who managed to wrestle free._

"_You better pray you win!" the feline shouted back at him. "Look what you've done to my neckline!"_

_And they began._

* * *

"…and so that's how it began, really," Kryten said, finishing the story. "We outran him in _Starbug_ for several miles before he finally collided with an asteroid and we were forced to rescue him. He said thank you and said we would not be so fortunate next time."

"I see…," the judge murmured. "So he accused Mr. Lister with the murder of his brother as far back as twenty years ago."

"Oh, that time he accused all of us, sir. He's very random about who is the actual murderer each time we encounter him."

"I see… Thank you, Mr. 523P – you may stand down."

Kryten nodded and made for his seat, which floated back into the air as soon as he sat down on it again.

"Now I would like to speak with the senior officer aboard Mr. Lister's ship. Second Technician Rimmer – will you take the stand please?"

Rimmer nodded as his chair lowered to the floor and he walked across to the chair before the judge. He sat down and put up his right hand.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you invisible yet all-powerful diety that may or may not exist?"

"I do."

"Mr. Rimmer, how long have you known the accused?"

"Too long, Your Honor."

"Could you be more specific?"

"Twenty-five long years, give or take about three million."

"What would you say is your relationship with the accused?"

"Variable. At the moment, I would say 'defrosting', but don't hold me to that."

Lister tilted his head in agreement.

"What would you say of Mr. Lister's character?"

"Deplorable. He's a slobby, smugly-undereducated, over-emotional gimboid."

"Then you believe he's guilty?"

"No. He may be a walking puss-filled cold sore, but he's not a murderer."

"Mr. Rimmer, I'm detecting some hostility towards Mr. Lister."

"On the contrary, I actually have a small degree of respect for Lister, given our similar humble backgrounds, and we've both made something of ourselves in this howling black void we call the universe. I find this whole trial to be a ludicrous spit in the face of justice and good sense. I'd be furious if I didn't find the whole thing so damned amusing."

The judge blinked. "Very well," he said at last. "Mr. Rimmer, what is your relationship to Mr. Roguey?"

Rimmer smirked at the name before answering. "I would compare him to that annoying friend who keeps showing up and trying to join in on the group's activities while all the while trying to force his own games and pleasures on them. I would often enjoy his visits because it made everyone else forget that _I _was that friend for a few hours, and we could all find common ground in getting rid of him."

"Can you recall such an occasion?"

Rimmer smirked again, this time looking directly at Hogey.

* * *

"_Holly, you can't be serious," Rimmer groaned, straightening his red uniform as he sat up from his hologrammatic chair. "He's back _again_?"_

"_Afraid so, Arn," Holly replied, tilting her head in a shrug. "His pod just grasped onto one of the airlocks. He's on his way up."_

_Rimmer paced the room in irritation. "You know, he's not even all the intimidating anymore. He used to at least a _bit _frightening, but now he just looks like a chewed up Jacques Cousteau deep-sea diving toy that a dog buried in the backyard. And that accent – where the hell was he built? Did China, Taiwan and Russia create a droid manufacturer together?"_

_At that moment, Lister, Cat and Kryten skidded into the room._

"_What's going on? What's the alert?" Lister asked, out of breath._

"_Hogey's back," Rimmer said with an irritated sigh._

"_What, again?"_

"_You mean to tell me I interrupted my manicure for that dude?" Cat demanded._

"_How very curious," Kryten remarked. "It's the third time this month. He's showing up more and more lately."_

"_I just want to know where he goes when we're not looking," Lister said. "What's with that tiny little pod of his? Does he live in it?"_

"_Sorry to interrupt, chaps," Holly announced. "But he's coming up the corridor now."_

_They all sighed heavily and turned around to face the hatchway to the Sleeping Quarters._

_In an instant, Hogey was standing in the opening, pointing a big ray gun at them._

"_You keeled my brudder!"_

"_No, we didn't," Lister sighed._

"_Oh, yes, you deed."_

"_No, we smeggin' didn't."_

"_I wheel ah-venge my brudder's debt."_

"_We have this exact conversation every time you show up, dummy!" Cat snapped._

"_Which one of us supposedly killed him this week?" Rimmer asked, crossing his arms and looking down his nose at the rogue droid._

"You_ deed!" Hogey snapped, pointing the gun at the hologram. "I wheel hunt you down, hollow-gram. I wheel chase you until your light bee is all worn out. I wheel go afder you like a goldfeesh. I challenge you to a – "_

"_Duel across time and space," the other five all said with him, rolling their eyes._

"_Fine," Rimmer said at last. "Let's say I _did _kill your brother. What are you gonna do with me? Come on. Let's have it."_

_Hogey didn't have eyes, so they couldn't exactly tell what he was thinking. At the moment, he seemed to have been brought up short. He thought for a moment._

_Finally, Lister spoke up. "Does it have to be a duel across time and space? Can't we do something else? I'm not in the mood to go traipsing around in a shuttlecraft until you crash into something again."_

"_Yeah," Cat agreed. "How about we just do something else?"_

"_Like what?" Hogey demanded, holding up his gun defensively._

"_How about a Ping-Pong marathon, sir?" Kryten asked. "Get a few of your rogue droid friends together and we'll play to the death. If you win, you kill us. If you lose, we live and you leave."_

"_And you have to stay gone for at least a year," Lister added._

"_Agreed," Rimmer said with a firm nod._

_Hogey considered this for a few moments, hefting his gun up and down thoughtfully. "Veddy well," he said at last. "My rogue droid companions wheel thrash you to a bloodee pulp! I shall return weeth dem weetheen dee hours!"_

_And with a diabolical laugh that was on loan from a corner shop in Sussex, Hogey toddled off to find some teammates._

"_Should I set up the table, sir? He may not come back," Kryten said._

"_Go ahead and do it," Lister said. "You never know. Guy like that? He may actually _have _friends."_

"_Can't wait to see the crowd _that _guy hangs out," Cat muttered._

_They walked out of the Sleeping Quarters, ready to take the lift to the cargo bay to set up the game._

* * *

"…and so, we played ping-pong for our lives," Rimmer said. "Needless to say, we won, and Hogey made good on his promise. He stayed away for a year. In fact, from his point of view, he stayed away for _two_ _hundred_ years. You see, nine months after that encounter, our mother ship, _Red Dwarf_, was stolen by a horde of overworked and underpaid nanobots, and we had to chase after a microscopic version of our ship in _Starbug_. Presumably, Hogey followed us."

"You encountered him after two hundred years of space travel?" the judge asked, surprised by this news.

"Oh yes. I remember one occasion in particular, if it pleases the court. It may tell you more about Hogey's character."

"Objection!" Hogey shouted. "Your Honor, my 'care-reek-ter' is ear-rellevant to dese case!"

"Actually, Mr. Roguey, I am beginning to suspect your 'character' _is_ the case. You may proceed, Mr. Rimmer."

Rimmer smirked triumphantly in Hogey's direction, and the rogue droid sat down and was forced to listen…

* * *

_Rimmer and the Cat were on their shift in _Starbug_'s cockpit. Cat was manning the pilot controls while Rimmer sat at the navigation desk watching the radar screen, pressing buttons with his new hard-light fingers._

_The foursome had been trapped on _Starbug_ for four months now since coming out of deep sleep. They had already encountered brain-eating psirens, a gestalt entity composed of their own minds, and just recently they'd spent Christmas on a snow planet being attacked by a Pan-Dimensional Liquid Beast from the Mogadon Cluster._

_Needless to say, they were not enjoying this new adventure._

_Rimmer was just reflecting on how stupid his whole life was when he noticed the Cat suddenly sit up straighter in his chair._

"_Something's coming," the feline announced._

"_Where?" Rimmer asked, looking at his blank screen._

"_It's not on the radar yet, but I can smell it."_

"_From which direction?"_

"_That way!" Cat pointed to the left._

_Rimmer stabbed a button on his desk with his finger. "Lister, Kryten, get down here – the Cat says he smells something, which either means we're in danger or he's picking up the CV radio again."_

_A few minutes later, Lister and Kryten came into the room, sitting down at their stations._

"_Scans appear to be dry, sir," Kryten said, glancing at the back of Cat's head._

"_I'm telling you, bud – my nostril hairs are swaying like a couple doing the foxtrot in an earthquake. There's something out there."_

"_Wait, there's something coming," Rimmer said at last._

"_Got it. Putting it on visual," Lister said, tapping some buttons on his console._

_A small blip began to coast across the screen._

"_It's small," Kryten said. "Seems to be some sort of pod."_

"_What kind? An escape pod? A mail pod?" Lister asked._

"_I'm trying to send a scan out to it, sir, but it's not responding. It appears to be in a state of disrepair."_

"_It's heading in our direction," Rimmer announced. "Do you suppose it's hostile?"_

"_If it is, we can't defend ourselves," Cat pointed out. "We've got no weapons, no strategy and next to no brains. Face it. We're deader than pleather jumpsuits."_

"_It's gaining speed," Lister said with growing horror._

"_I feel another crash coming on," Rimmer sighed. "Something about this ship that just magnetizes crashing."_

"_I think that's exactly why it's gaining speed and heading straight for us, sir," Kryten supplied, checking his own screens at the logistics console frantically. "According to our readouts, we're being encapsulated with some sort of magnetizing ray."_

_Lister blinked. "Doesn't that mean when it gets here, it's going to _hit us very hard_?" he asked._

"_Er… yes, it would appear so, sir."_

_Merely three seconds later, there was a loud crash that came from the mid-section, and they were all knocked around the room as the ship seemed to tilt to the side._

"_Damage report?" Rimmer asked, straightening himself out again._

"_Not much of it," Cat replied, checking the readouts. "One fuel pipe has sprung a leak, the cargo bay is in disarray, and the ship's probably going to need a new paint job near the airlock."_

_Kryten checked his screens again. "Oh dear. It would appear as though a life form is exiting the pod. It's trying to get in through the airlock."_

"_What sort of life form?" Lister asked._

"_Unknown."_

"_Then in a situation like this," Rimmer said authoritatively, "I suggest we enact Space Corps Directive 6390."_

"_6390, sir?" Kryten asked. "Any officer with a Garth Brooks CD is sentenced to garbage duty for a fortnight?"_

"_Come on," Lister sighed. "Let's get ready for our guest."_

_He got up from his chair, followed closely by Cat and Kryten. Rimmer opted to remain in the cockpit as "backup"._

_The airlock doors opened slowly, pouring smoke out as a result of the crash._

_As quickly as they could, Lister and the Cat reached for the bazookoids that were left out on the scanner table. Kryten plucked the psi-scan off the hook on the wall he had made just for it._

"_What is it, Kryten? Can you tell?" Lister whispered._

"_Just scanning now, sir," Kryten replied, tapping some buttons on the handheld device. "Hmmm… According to this, it's a rogue droid, sir. It appears to be hellbent on destroying us."_

"_How'd the psi-scan know that?"_

"_Scanned the droid's mind, sir. What little left there is of it, actually."_

_At that moment, the droid emerged from the airlock, and he was holding a small gun that let out a high-pitched hum when he activated it._

"_You keeled my brudder!" he declared._

_Lister, Cat and Kryten stared in bewilderment before their memories of the droid before them came flooding back._

"_Hogey!" Lister snapped angrily. "What's the big idea crashing into us?"_

"_I leave up to my word," the droid replied. "I not come back for a whole year. I have memory like elephant."_

"_Yeah and wrinkles like one too," Cat remarked, taking in the droid's disheveled appearance._

"_What's going on out there?" Rimmer called from the cockpit._

"_It's alright, Rimmer. It's just Hogey," Lister replied._

"_What?!" The bewildered hologram came down from the cockpit and stared in shock at the small metallic figure before him. "How the hell…?"_

"_Hogey, have you been following us all this time?" Kryten asked. "It's been two hundred years!"_

"_I as dee-termined as a water buffalo," Hogey replied in an almost-smooth tone._

"_And somehow his accent's gotten more ridiculous," Rimmer sighed._

* * *

"Objection!" Hogey shouted, interrupting. "Enough of dees! Dees does not matter to de case!"

The judge banged his gavel. "Overruled," he replied. "This is getting interesting. Mr. Rimmer, what happened next?"

Rimmer shrugged as he continued. "Well, he'd become a bit worn out after two hundred years of travel. We repaired him. Then we repaired his ship. Then we played _Chutes and Ladders_. We won, and he had to leave again. I, personally, didn't see him again after that because I suddenly had a, er, job offer, I guess you could call it, and I went away for a while."

"I see," the judge said. "So you actually _helped _him?"

"It was like rescuing a brain-dead puppy from being hit by a car. It was for his own good."

"I see… Does anyone else have anything to add?" he asked the courtroom.

From his raised seat in the witness area, Cat eagerly raised his hand. "I got one!" he exclaimed.

The judge looked at the form briefly. "Very well, Mr. Cat – you may take the stand."

Rimmer got up from the chair and passed Cat as he came down from his seat. The feline placed his wonderful ass in the chair and held up his right hand expectantly.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Cloister?"

Cat blinked in surprise at that. "…I do," he said before throwing a glance at Lister, who shrugged in reply, equally surprised.

"Mr. Cat, would you say that you have the same opinions about Mr. Roguey as your fellow crewmates?" the judge asked.

Cat relaxed and chuckled. "Oh, hell yeah!" he said. "That metal dude's a bigger nut than a circus clown holding a finely-sharpened axe."

"So you believe him to be violent?"

"Not really violent. He'd like to be, but he ain't."

"Objection!" Hogey shouted.

"So you _are _violent and dangerous?"

"I am rogue droid! I _am _dangerous!"

The judge raised an eyebrow before writing something down on a piece of paper.

Lister smirked at Hogey. "I get the weirdest feeling you're paddling up a certain creek right now," he murmured.

Hogey just sat down, fuming.

"Very well, Mr. Cat, if you will begin?" the judge prompted.

"Well, Your Holiness, it happened like this…"

* * *

_Cat was just finishing off his lunch for the day. He left his dish on the sink for Kryten to deal with. Ol' Freak Face had been a bit weird lately ever since Officer Bud Babe had turned up, and he was looking forward to some normalcy. He hoped giving the robot some work to do would do that._

_Sighing contentedly, he set off for the cockpit to check on everything before he got some beauty sleep – not that he needed it. He _was _the best-looking person on the ship, even if Officer Bud Babe _was _here._

_He was just sitting down in his chair when he saw that one of the flashy-light things was going off again. It usually meant that there was something in the vicinity. Curious, he flipped on the Blue Alert signal to get the others in here._

_A few minutes later, Dormouse Cheeks, Butterpat Head and Officer BB had entered the cockpit and were helping him with the problem._

"_We're getting a signal from that planet down there," Cat explained. "Seems like an SOS."_

"_Kryten, scan the planet and see what it is," Officer BB ordered, operating her own controls at the navigation console._

"_Oh, very well, _ma'am_," Butterpat Head said huffily. Apparently, they'd been arguing again._

"_What sort of place is it?" Dormouse Cheeks asked._

"_Seems to be a desert planet of some kind, sir. The signal is emanating from a derelict ship."_

"_Is it safe?" Officer BB asked._

"_Breathable atmosphere. It seems to be safe."_

"_Okay, let's bring her in," Dormouse Cheeks decided. "Let's bring the bazookoids and put 'em on 'stun' just in case."_

"_So we're supposed to greet a possibly nonthreatening life form calling out for help with large mining lasers pointed at it?" Officer BB asked in that critical tone she was so good at using._

"_We just don't want to take any chances," Dormouse Cheeks told her._

"_You know, _my_ Dave wouldn't worry about those things. He'd go down there on his own and face them with no weapons at all in a show of goodwill."_

"Your _Dave is an indestructible hard-light hologram. None of us have that advantage. Now how about you stop whinging for five seconds and help us out, for a change?"_

"_Shall I prepare the bazookoids, Mr. Lister, sir?" Butterpat Head asked eagerly._

"_Yeah, go for it, Krytes."_

"_Right away, sir." And he smirked smugly at Officer BB before setting off to do that._

_An hour later, they had landed on the planet's surface, close to the derelict. They climbed inside through a hole in the wreckage, clutching bazookoids that had been preset to 'stun' just in case._

"_You picking anything up?" Dormouse Cheeks asked the Cat._

"_Nothing," Cat replied, sniffing the air. "Can't smell anything at all."_

_Butterpat Head found a wall of controls and screens. He tapped a few buttons and checked the readouts. "According to this, sirs," he announced, "there's a single stasis booth in the next room. There's a life form inside of it."_

"_Human?" Officer BB asked._

"_Unknown. The results are scrambled."_

"_Then let's get down there and see," Dormouse Cheeks said, holding up his bazookoid and heading into the next room._

_They found the stasis booth inside. It was a long tall structure that had a large steel door in front of it._

"_What do we do now?" Cat asked._

"_We open it," Dormouse Cheeks decided. "But whatever's in there, let's be ready for it. Could be anything."_

"_What if it's a child?" Officer BB asked. "What if it's an innocent child and we're going to be pointing lasers at it?"_

"_Suggestion, sir," Butterpat Head said. "As Miss Kochanski is so adamant about it not being dangerous, why don't we let her go first?"_

_Everyone stared at him, and then they stared at Officer Bud Babe, who was suddenly looking paler than usual._

"_Er…," she stammered. "I wasn't… I mean, I was just… Fine. I will."_

_She set down her bazookoid on the floor before walking up to the stasis booth's door._

"_Kris, be careful," Dormouse Cheeks warned her._

"_I'm sure I'll be fine," she replied, pressing the button on the side of the door._

_There was a hiss of steam, and the huge door swung open very slowly._

_Officer Bud Babe stood tall, but anyone could tell she was shaking like a leaf inside. "Hello," she said. "Is anyone there? We got a distress call and – "_

_A ray gun was suddenly pointed in her face._

"_You keeled my bruthah!"_

_Officer Bud Babe let out a yelp of terror, but Dormouse Cheeks, Butterpat Head and Cat just groaned in annoyance._

"_Hogey!" Lister complained._

* * *

"What was he doing there in the first place?" the judge asked.

"Apparently he crashed there months ago," Cat replied. "He figured we'd show up sooner or later, so he got himself all set up for it. After we told Officer Bud Babe who he was and she'd come down off the ceiling, we repaired his ship, and then he and she played Chinese checkers. She won and we got to leave."

The judge sat in contemplative silence for a moment. He glanced at Hogey, who was sitting angrily in his seat, slouched like a petulant child.

"I must say, this is beginning to explain a lot," he said at last. "Particularly the part in his statement where he says that if he wins the trial, you are all, and I quote, 'entitled to duel him across time and space'."

There were collective groans from all four _Dwarfers_.

"You may stand down, Mr. Cat."

"Thanks, bud!"

Cat leapt out of the seat and went back to his floating chair.

The judge faced Hogey. "Mr. Roguey," he said evenly. "Would you like to relate a story in your defense?"

"Defense?" Hogey asked, confused.

"Well, in this case, we'd like you to defend yourself and provide some evidence that you are not, in fact, stark-raving, round the twist, twitters-and-shakes barmy."

Hogey growled. "Veddy well," he said angrily. "I wheel tell you story that wheel make you realize I am veectim in all deese."

"Ohh, this should be good," Lister murmured.

* * *

_It was a typical day on the mining ship, _Red Dwarf_, or as it was known across the universe, the Home of the Scummy Human Scum. _

_Today, however, that would all change._

_Today, the heroic rogue droid, Hogey, was going to avenge his brother, who had been messily murdered by the human onboard - Dave Lister._

_His craft docked with one of the ship's airlocks, and he boarded with all the stealth of a manta ray swimming across the sand of an ocean floor. He followed his life form detector all the way to the ship's Sleeping Quarters, where he heard the cruel evil laughter of the Evil Last Human and his Insurgencies. They were gathered around a small table, fine-tuning their instruments of torture._

_It was down to Hogey to defeat these horrible creatures and avenge his brother's death. He entered the room and pointed his death blaster at them._

"_You killed my brother!" he declared, so that they knew he meant business._

_They all turned around in shock._

_The human had been rejoined by the hologram, who was now missing his symbol from his forehead. The felonious feline, manic mechanoid and harpy woman were there as well, all shocked by his arrival. _

"_Intruduh!" the ship's computer announced._

"_Destroy!" the human male declared._

_They all drew weapons and prepared to fire at the heroic droid._

_But Hogey was ready for them. He aimed his pistol at them and prepared to fire. His first shot took out the mechanoid, who fell to the ground, sputtering gibberish as he fell to his death rows._

_But then, the hologram and the feline suddenly sprang forward together, taking Hogey by surprise. They slammed him against the wall._

_The woman then promptly took his gun and destroyed with her bare hands, ripping it apart and throwing the pieces in his face, cruelly._

_And then, the final indignity – the human came forward and dumped a horrible boiling hot liquid all over Hogey's head, causing him to short circuit and shut down._

_He awoke hours later, back in his own ship. He was light years away from the human ship. They had eluded him once again._

_But he would catch them one day. Yes, he would._

_Hogey would have his revenge._

* * *

Everyone stared at Hogey, who was sitting in the chair with a proud look on his face.

"Okay…," the judge said at last. "That was…different."

"You see how deese man abuse me?" Hogey snapped. "He is a meenace to droid-kind."

"You still come off looking rather bad in that story, Mr. Roguey."

Hogey stared at him for a long moment. What he said next was neither insightful nor intelligent. "He keeled my brutha!"

"Indeed. You may stand down."

Hogey nodded and returned to his seat.

"Mr. Lister, if you would retake the stand?"

Lister nodded as he was lead up to the chair with the GELF Official.

"Mr. Lister, do you recall the night Mr. Roguey has brought to light?"

"I do, sir."

"What do you recall of that night?"

Lister smirked in Hogey's direction. "Well, he got the name of the ship right, and he remembered which room he was in, but beyond that, I think he got it a bit muddled."

* * *

_Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski were in the Sleeping Quarters hanging out like they always did._

_Lister was trying to repair the motorbike they found a few weeks ago so he could for a ride around the cargo bay._

"_You're seriously still working on that thing?" Kochanski sighed._

"_Why not? It's something to do."_

"_But can't you think of anything else to do?"_

"_Yeah, but you keep saying no."_

_She scrunched her nose at him and resumed repairing a section of the solar panel with Rimmer and Kryten. They'd been working on this project for months now, and they were determined to see it through to the end._

_Cat, meanwhile, was repairing an outfit that worn about a bit and grown a small hole in it. It was one of his favorites, and he wasn't ready to part with it yet._

_So they were all busy when it happened._

_Holly suddenly appeared on the screen in the corner of the room. "Alright, dudes – what's shaking?"_

"_Oh, bug all," Lister replied._

"_Oh, well, don't worry about that. I've got a message for you."_

"_What's that?"_

_The doors suddenly slid open, and in walked Hogey the Roguey, pointing a rather flimsy-looking gun at them._

"_You keeled my brutha!"_

_They all looked up in surprise._

_Holly cleared his throat. "Intruder alert," he said. "Probably should've gotten here earlier, but I got a bit lost."_

"_Thank you, Holly. Helpful as always," Rimmer sighed._

"_Hogey, what are you doing here now?" Lister demanded._

"_You keeled my brutha!"_

"_No, I didn't."_

"_Oh, yes, you deed."_

"_No, I smeggin' didn't!"_

"_Wait," Rimmer said. "Is that that rogue droid you told me about while we were in the Tank?"_

"_Yes, I'm afraid so, sir," Kryten sighed, before turning to Hogey. "Hogey, shall I fetch you some refreshment? Maybe a nice glass of motor oil?"_

"_You mock me with false-pleasantries?" Hogey snapped. He fired the gun at Kryten._

_The others watched as the mechanoid was hit square in the forehead by a dart, which stuck in the middle of his forehead._

"_Oh dear," he deadpanned. "I seem to have a playing dart stuck in my forehead. Ma'am, if you would be so kind?"_

_Kochanski nodded and pulled the dart out, throwing it aside._

"_Who ees next?" Hogey demanded, as if it had never happened._

"_Watch where you're pointing that thing, bud!" Cat exclaimed. "You're gonna put one of my glorious eyes out!"_

"_I wheel keel dose who keel my brutha until they are chokin' on der warm blood!"_

"_What the hell accent is that?" Rimmer demanded._

"_Never mind that," Lister said. "Somebody get the gun before he hurts someone."_

"_Keep away!" Hogey yelled, holding the gun into the air, but in the process, he accidentally pulled the trigger. _

_A single dart erupted from the barrel and hurtled itself all across the room, rebounding off the walls. Everyone ducked out of the way, but Hogey didn't notice it until it was right on him. It stuck in the top of his head, cutting straight through a few wires. Some sparks shot out of the droid's head, and before anyone knew what was happening, a small fire had started right there!_

_Hogey sniffed the air. "What dat smell…?" he asked curiously._

_Lister looked up and saw the flames. "Oh for God's sakes! Somebody grab him! Get the gun!"_

_Rimmer and Cat were on their feet in an instant and running across. They grabbed Hogey's arms and held him against the wall._

_Kochanski jumped forward and got the gun out of his hand. It was so poorly-built that it fell apart and fell all over the floor. "Did he make this thing himself?" she demanded, looking at all the bits and bobs and darts that had piled around her feet._

_Lister ignored her and quickly grabbed his leftover curry. He carried over to his inflamed friend and poured the spicy substance all over Hogey's flaming head, putting it out with a hiss of steam._

_Hogey sputtered for a moment before shutting down, his single red eye switching off._

"…_What'd we do?" Lister asked worriedly. "Did I just kill him?"_

_Kryten waddled over and took a look for himself. After a moment, he patted Lister's shoulder. "Not to worry, sir. Just a matter of cleaning him out and reconnecting a few wires. We'll just take him down to the Science Room and repair him. We'll program him to wake up in a few hours and set his ship to take him into deep space. Hopefully he won't be bothering us for a while."_

"_Brutal. Come on, guys. Let's get him down there."_

_Lister, Rimmer and Kryten hoisted Hogey up and carried him horizontally out the door, with Kochanski right behind them carrying the toolbox._

_Cat remained behind. After all, he still had his clothes to repair._

* * *

A few minutes later, Lister was back in his seat with the GELF Officials standing over him.

Another GELF came in, carrying a single piece of paper. He handed it to the judge.

The judge looked it over before nodding. "The Mind Scan results are in. Dave Lister, if you will stand?"

Lister stood, but he looked confused. "When did you do a mind scan?"

"Whenever one of you came up to speak, we scanned your minds via that hidden Mind Probe over the chair."

They all looked up and were surprised to see a floating orb with a light shining out of it, pointing at the chair.

"Can't believe we never noticed that up there," Cat whispered in amazement.

"Mr. Lister," the judge went on, "the Mind Probe has confirmed your version of events, along with the testimonies from your crewmates. We find you are not guilty of murder, and the charges against you are hereby dropped."

At that moment, the GELF Official to his left undid the metallic leash around Lister's neck, and he rolled his neck around in relief.

The judge turned his attention to Hogey. "As for you, Mr. Roguey," he said sternly. "The Mind Probe showed that not only were your stories pure fabrication, but those official documents you showed us for your fictitious brother were forgeries. You have effectively wasted several weeks of this Embassy's time in setting up the trial, tracking down Mr. Lister and so forth. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Hogey stared at him for a long moment.

Then he stared at Lister, who simply raised an eyebrow at him.

Finally, Hogey pulled out a small ray gun and pointed it at the judge. "You keeled my brudder!" he declared. "I challenge you to a duel across time and space!"

Everyone in the room groaned in frustration.

"Okay, that's it," the judge sighed. "I'm sentencing you to the Cyberian Insane Asylum. Two years of rehabilitation and reprogramming. Court is adjourned."

In an instant, Hogey was being restrained by the GELF Officials and had the metal leash roped around his own neck.

Rimmer, Cat and Kryten's chairs all came down and touched the floor once again. They came over to Lister's table and each shook his hand.

"Oh, sir, we're so glad you're okay!" Kryten exclaimed.

"Looks you're not getting the chair after all, Baby Face," Rimmer joked.

"I owe it all to clean living and fast women," Lister replied.

The judge was just getting ready to leave when Lister walked up to his desk.

"Hey," he whispered. "You got a minute?"

"Yes?" the judge asked.

"Listen – go easy on Hogey, will ya? He's not a bad guy at heart. He's just a little desperate not to go insane in deep space. We all feel the loneliness sometimes."

The judge smiled. "Not to worry," he said. "We won't harm him. The only harm that _can _be done to him from himself."

Lister frowned. "Can I have a roadmap to that sentence, please?"

The judge simply pointed in Hogey's direction.

"You wheel not get away wit' dis!" he was shouting at the others. "I wheel avenge my brutha, and den I wheel challenge you do a duel across time and – _YAAAAAAAAAH!_" he screamed as the lead to the leash tightened, releasing a strong electric charge down the line.

Fortunately, as a droid, he was relatively unharmed.

Unfortunately, Hogey's the sort who never learns.

"I will avenge my – _YAAAAAAAAH! _I will _keel_ you so bad you – _YAAAAAAAAAAAH!_ Okay, I'm ready to – _GAAAAAAAAAAAH!_" he screamed as he was dragged out of the courtroom.

The _Dwarfers_ could only shake their heads in a mixture of amusement and pity.

* * *

An hour later, the quartet were back in _Blue Midget_ and making their way back to _Red Dwarf_.

"Smeg," Lister sighed. "I still feel sorry for the guy. I know he tried to get me done up for murder and everything, but he only did it to get over his boredom."

"The things some people do for attention in this day and age," Kryten sighed.

Cat blinked. "What day and age is this, anyway?" he asked.

"Let's try and stay positive about this," Rimmer said decisively.

"Upbeat? You?" Lister asked incredulously.

"I know. I'm trying something new. But we came out of this intact, we got to have some nice reminiscences, I got to be in a humiliating trial that wasn't about me, we know he'll be alright in the end, and we've got two years to kill before we have to see him again."

"Amen to that," Cat agreed. Then he thought of something. "Say… What were we doing before this all started?"

Kryten looked up. "I do believe we were at the GELF trading post, sir."

Lister snapped his fingers triumphantly. "That's right! I was wondering what I was doing with this in my pocket," he exclaimed, pulling a small power adapter out of his pocket.

"The new adapter for Holly?" Rimmer asked.

"You bet! We're one step closer to get 'im back!"

"…Or her."

"…Yeah, that's a point. Wonder which Holly we'll get back?"

"Who cares? As long as it's not that damn Space Corps computer anymore," Cat snorted. "Remember when it tried to have me evacuated because I was wearing too much glitter and it mistook me for a rogue disco ball?"

Lister shook his head. "Things just get stranger and stranger around here…"

And with that, they set off for home.

**THE END**

* * *

_**Author's Notes:** So there's my little theory for how the Dwarfers met Hogey the Roguey, their history, and where he's going to be if he's not present during Series XI. Personally, I rather hope he does come back. I like the idea that this guy shows up, causes some random trouble, and then leaves. The harmless villains are always the fun ones for me._


End file.
